(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
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Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.