I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
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[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.