The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
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Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.