My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
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a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.