Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
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BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Good advice.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
My dad.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.