DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
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math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.