My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
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Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Holy shit he’s back
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.