My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

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[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?


Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.


me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan


im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances


People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin


Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you


I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth


“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”


I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.


I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.