ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
You Might Also Like
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?