It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
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Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
That’s not how days work.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Pandas 🐼🖤
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
my first day as a raccoon
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”