Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
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Growing out my freckles.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Rather alarming headline…
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.