[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
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WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.