O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
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whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Kermit goes Blue.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store