whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
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My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.