sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
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My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
concern
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.