yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
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Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I think this cat is broken
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.