Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
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[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative