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Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
tinder is all about the long game
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
When you’ve simply given up.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.