Risking my life for fun.
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor