*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
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Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
thank god
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.