@Lovestained555

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

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@SomthinBoutSara

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

@MrsGoose69

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

@_NinJar

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

@HonestToddler

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

@nedostup

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

@NATxHAN

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

@seamussaid

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

@ColoradoUgly

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

@FierceMess

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.