Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
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i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
same bro
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…