I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date