PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
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I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.