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My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED