Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
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Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Always
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod