Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
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Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
This is sending me to another galaxy
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.