Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.