Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
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Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
inside you are two wolves
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?