Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay![]()
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Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”