6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.