“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?