I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
You Might Also Like
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
How all things should be taught/explained.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.