@ElgatoEsmio

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

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@golubeerji

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

@cathisamazing

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

@2questionable

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

@surlybassey

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

@Rollinintheseat

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

@RudeFunPillow

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

@LeBearGirdle

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

@JohnLyonTweets

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

@ojedge

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

@shutupmikeginn

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town