I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
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As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.