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I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
so much to do
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?