Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
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Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
This is my favorite one of these!
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.