My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
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4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Denise please return my vape pen
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.