In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
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[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
The answer is funnier than the question
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?