[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
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*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂