That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
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Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.