I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
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Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats