Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
You Might Also Like
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Who called it baking and not making love
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!