Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
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ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am