Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
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As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI