Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
You Might Also Like
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.