I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?