friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
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My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue