*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I think we should hear other voices.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah