Lately I have the attention span of wait what
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– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.