Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.