*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
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When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Human are so complicated
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
uh oh
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*