Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
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We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.