I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
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[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
A dad and his duck
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.