I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
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How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Modded the new Gran Turismo
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too