My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
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Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough